Pellet Distribution and Disappointment Act 1991

1 Short title

This Act may be cited as the Pellet Distribution and Disappointment Act 1991.

2 Objects

The objects of this Act are to ensure that every fish receives pellets, that no fish receives too many pellets, and that the inevitable gap between expectation and pellet is acknowledged with sensitivity.

3 Definitions

In this Act:

pellet means a small, buoyant or semi-buoyant unit of fish food, and includes a flake that is behaving like a pellet.

disappointment means the state of a fish that has received fewer pellets than it had in mind.

feeding window means the period during which a human is standing near the bowl holding a container, whether or not food results.

4 Duty to distribute

(1) A human responsible for a fish must distribute pellets at regular intervals.

(2) "Regular" in subsection (1) means regular in the opinion of the fish, which is "now".

5 Quantity

(1) Pellets must be distributed in a quantity the fish can eat in about two minutes.

(2) A fish that has eaten its pellets in under two minutes is not thereby entitled to further pellets, no matter how it looks at you.

6 Sinking pellets

(1) A pellet that sinks before it is eaten becomes the property of the gravel.

(2) The gravel holds a sinking pellet on trust for the fish, and must release it upon demand, which it never does.

7 Holiday feeder blocks

The use of a holiday feeder block is permitted, but the human must acknowledge in writing, on Form P-07, that a block is not the same as being there.

8 Acknowledgement of disappointment

(1) Where a fish experiences disappointment, the human must acknowledge it within a reasonable time.

(2) Acknowledgement may take the form of eye contact, a sympathetic noise, or saying "I know, mate."

9 Disappointment Tribunal

(1) There is established a body to be known as the Pellet Disappointment Tribunal.

(2) The Tribunal consists of one member, who is a pellet.

(3) The member holds office until eaten.

10 Appeals

An appeal from a decision of the Tribunal lies to the fish, whose decision is final and is usually "more".

12 Flakes

A flake is a pellet for the purposes of this Act, unless the fish disagrees, in which case it is a flake.

13 Live food

Live food may be distributed only with the consent of the fish, which is always given, and the consent of the live food, which is never sought.

14 Snack envy

A human who eats a pizza within sight of a fish must not make a show of it.