Register of Notifiable Conditions

Every condition on this page is fictional. None of them is a real illness. But some of the joke "symptoms" (tiredness, hiding, faded colour, drooping or clamped fins, not eating, jumping) can be real warning signs. In a real fish, these can mean illness or poor water. Owners concerned about a real fish should refer to Real Care or a real aquatic vet.

The Register lists 26 conditions of fighting fish that must be notified to the Registry on the prescribed form. The standard treatment for most conditions is rest, and a firm letter.

Index of conditions

Reflective Confrontation Syndrome (RCS)

Notification: Form M-01 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Repeated flaring at the glass
A fixed belief that a rival has moved in next door
Indignation that peaks whenever the lights are switched on

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

Flaring at the same patch of glass on three or more occasions in one day
The rival is the same size, colour and fin configuration as the patient
The rival leaves whenever the patient leaves

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a reading of the pamphlet "It Is You, and That Is Okay" (see the Reflective Surfaces (Identity Protection) Act 2009, section 7).

Prognosis

Excellent until the next time the lights are switched on.

Chronic Lap Fatigue (CLF)

Notification: Form M-02 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Circling the bowl more than 400 times before lunch
A glazed, faraway look
Slowing down on the bend near the heater

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

A lap count above 400 in any 24-hour period
No identifiable destination
The patient appears to be training for something but will not say what

Treatment

Rest, and a firm letter. An ornament may be placed in the bowl to give the laps some purpose.

Prognosis

Good. The condition usually resolves when something more interesting happens.

Pellet Disappointment Disorder (PDD)

Notification: Form M-03 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Staring at the human after the pellets are gone
Swimming to the feeding corner at hopeful intervals
A general air of having been let down

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has eaten all pellets provided
The patient expected more pellets
The expectation has not been met and is not going to be

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and acknowledgement in accordance with section 8 of the Pellet Distribution and Disappointment Act 1991 ("I know, mate").

Prognosis

Recurs daily. Considered a normal part of being a fish.

Acute Glamour Fin (AGF)

Notification: Form M-04 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Fins that appear to be posing
Slow-motion turns when anyone is watching
Observers needing to sit down

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The fins are noticeably more spectacular than is necessary for swimming
At least one observer has said "oh wow"
The patient is aware of it

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a Glamour Permit (Form F-21). No attempt should be made to reduce the glamour.

Prognosis

Permanent. The Registry regards this as a gift.

Bubble-Nest Abandonment Grief (BNAG)

Notification: Form M-05 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Gazing at the place where a nest used to be
Starting a new nest half-heartedly
Refusing to discuss the old nest

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

A nest has collapsed or been dispersed by a water change
The patient has visited the former site at least twice
A new nest has been started and abandoned within the hour

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and entry of the former nest on the Register of Formerly Significant Nests.

Prognosis

Good. Fish rebuild. It is one of their best qualities.

Ornament Attachment Disorder (OAD)

Notification: Form M-06 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Sleeping exclusively in one castle
Guarding the castle from snails, plants and light
Distress when the castle is cleaned

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient spends more than half of each day within one fin-length of a single ornament
The patient flares when the ornament is touched
The ornament has done nothing to deserve this devotion

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a tenancy agreement under the Ornament Tenancy and Castle Occupancy Regulations 1999.

Prognosis

Stable for as long as the castle remains standing.

Tap-Startle Response Disorder (TSRD)

Notification: Form M-07 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Darting suddenly at any noise near the glass
Hiding behind the plant
A distinctly unimpressed expression

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

Startle within one second of a tap
A history of exposure to people who "just wanted to say hi"
Recovery takes longer than the tap did

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter addressed to the tapper, and an official "Please Do Not Tap" sign.

Prognosis

Excellent, once the tapping stops.

Gravel Rearrangement Compulsion (GRC)

Notification: Form M-08 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Moving pebbles from one side of the bowl to the other
Then moving them back
An air of quiet project management

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

At least 12 pebbles relocated in one day
No net change in the overall layout
The patient seems satisfied regardless

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a Gravel-Displacement Indemnity for the human's peace of mind.

Prognosis

Indefinite. The gravel will never be quite right.

Snail Proximity Intolerance (SPI)

Notification: Form M-09 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Glaring at the snail
Positioning between the snail and the castle
Sighing bubbles in the snail's general direction

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

A snail is present in the Realm
The snail is doing absolutely nothing
The patient finds this provocative

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a reminder that snails have no sovereignty under section 7(3) of the Bowl Sovereignty Act.

Prognosis

Guarded. The snail is unlikely to change.

Plastic-Plant Disillusionment (PPD)

Notification: Form M-10 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Nibbling the plant, then stopping
A look of betrayal
Avoiding the plant for several hours

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has attempted to eat or rest on the plant
The patient has discovered the plant is plastic
The patient has taken it personally

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and the introduction of one real leaf, as a gesture of good faith.

Prognosis

Good. Most patients come to accept the plant for what it is.

Existential Circling Disorder (ECD)

Notification: Form M-11 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Circling slowly while appearing deep in thought
Pausing to look at the edge of the bowl
Occasional sighs

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

More than 400 laps (see Chronic Lap Fatigue)
The patient has begun questioning the shape of the bowl
The patient has begun questioning the shape of the universe

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and Existential-Circling Counselling, which consists of a human saying "I wonder that too sometimes."

Prognosis

Uncertain, as is everything, according to the patient.

Lid-Jump Ambition (LJA)

Notification: Form M-12 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Looking upwards a great deal
Practice leaps
Bumping the lid with a satisfied expression

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

At least one leap that reached the lid
No obvious reason to leave
A sense that the patient simply wants to see what is up there

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, a secure lid, and a polite conversation about boundaries.

Prognosis

Excellent with a lid. Owners are required to use a lid at all times.

Filter-Hum Sensitivity (FHS)

Notification: Form M-13 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Avoiding the filter side of the bowl
Swimming in a manner suggestive of fingers in ears
Visible relief when the power goes out

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The filter is audible from across the room
The patient stays on the far side of the bowl
The human has also noticed the hum but has been pretending not to

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter to the filter manufacturer, and a Filter-Hum Tinnitus Allowance, payable in silence.

Prognosis

Good once the filter is cleaned, which is what it was trying to say.

Colour-Fade Self-Consciousness (CFSC)

Notification: Form M-14 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Hiding when visitors arrive
Avoiding well-lit areas
Reluctance to flare

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient appears slightly less vivid than usual
Nobody else has noticed
The patient is convinced everyone has noticed

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and regular reassurance that the patient is beautiful just as it is.

Prognosis

Excellent, according to the Registry, which is not a vet. Compliments are always appropriate.

Feeding-Time Anticipation Disorder (FTAD)

Notification: Form M-15 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Waiting at the surface whenever a human walks past
Excited wiggling
Visible deflation when the human was just getting a glass of water

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

At least ten false alarms in one day
The patient has learned what the pellet container sounds like
The patient has also learned what every other container sounds like

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a consistent feeding schedule announced in a clear voice.

Prognosis

Lifelong. Hope is a fish's natural state.

Water-Change Relocation Stress (WCRS)

Notification: Form M-16 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Indignant flaring from inside a cup
Refusing to make eye contact afterwards
An inspection lap of the entire Realm on return

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has been placed in a cup, jug or similar vessel
The water outside the cup looked the same as the water inside the cup
The patient was not consulted

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a moment of quiet acknowledgement under Form W-27.

Prognosis

Resolves within the hour, or upon feeding, whichever is sooner.

Territorial Over-Declaration (TOD)

Notification: Form M-17 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Flaring at objects outside the bowl, including a lamp
Patrolling the edge of the Realm
Claiming the window

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has claimed territory outside the bowl
The territory includes at least one item of furniture
The patient will not accept a map

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a copy of section 9 of the Bowl Sovereignty Act, which sets out the borders of the Realm.

Prognosis

Good. Most patients settle for the bowl and a strong view of the lamp.

Mirror Arbitration Fatigue (MAF)

Notification: Form M-18 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Weariness after repeated arbitrated draws
Flaring with reduced enthusiasm
A sense that the system is rigged

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has received at least three arbitrated draws against its reflection
The patient still believes it would have won
The patient is not wrong, technically

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a commemorative certificate stating "Undefeated".

Prognosis

Excellent. Patients enjoy being undefeated.

Scale-Count Anxiety (SCA)

Notification: Form M-19 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Inspecting its own side in the glass
Swimming in careful, scale-protecting movements
Insisting on a recount

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient believes it has lost a scale
The scale cannot be located
The patient has asked the Registry to check the Scale Exchange Rate

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a reminder that the Scale Exchange Rate is zero and nobody is counting.

Prognosis

Excellent, according to the Registry, which is not a vet.

Overfeeding Guilt (Human-Transmitted) (OGHT)

Notification: Form M-20 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

The human hovering near the bowl apologising
Uneaten pellets on the gravel
A fish who seems perfectly happy

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The human has fed the fish twice because they forgot they had already fed it
The fish did not mention it
The human is the one who feels bad

Treatment

Rest (for the human), a firm letter (to the human), and a written feeding chart stuck to the fridge.

Prognosis

Good, for the human, who will learn. In a real tank, uneaten food should be removed because it fouls the water.

Leaf-Litter Indignity (LLI)

Notification: Form M-21 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Sudden stillness when a leaf lands nearby
A slow, offended swim away
Avoiding that spot for the rest of the day

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

Organic matter has landed on or near the patient
The patient was in the middle of contemplating something
The patient's dignity has been compromised

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter addressed to the nearest houseplant, and prompt removal of the leaf.

Prognosis

Excellent. Dignity regenerates overnight.

Light-Switch Circadian Confusion (LSCC)

Notification: Form M-22 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Falling asleep at 3 pm
Waking up and flaring at midnight
General uncertainty about whether it is Tuesday

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The lights have been switched on and off at least four times in one evening
The patient has attempted to sleep at least twice
The human has said "sorry, just looking for something"

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a lamp timer, which the Registry recommends warmly.

Prognosis

Excellent with a timer.

Treasure-Chest Startle Syndrome (TCSS)

Notification: Form M-23 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Leaping backwards whenever the chest opens
Approaching the chest cautiously after it closes
Repeating the whole process every two minutes

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The treasure chest opens and closes by itself on an air line
The patient is surprised every time
The patient has never once found any treasure

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and a claim under Form B-31. In serious cases the air line may be adjusted to "less dramatic".

Prognosis

Fair. Some patients grow to enjoy the suspense.

Name-Recognition Indifference (NRI)

Notification: Form M-24 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Not responding to its own name
Responding enthusiastically to the word "pellets"
Appearing to have chosen a different name privately

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The human has called the patient's registered name at least five times
The patient has not reacted
The patient reacts instantly to the rustle of the food container

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and consideration of a change of name using Form N-09.

Prognosis

Permanent. The fish knows its name. It is simply not interested.

Paperwork-Induced Fin Droop (PIFD)

Notification: Form M-25 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Drooping fins whenever a form is placed near the bowl
Turning away from clipboards
Visible relief when the form is put away

Real fish health note: In a real fish, this can mean illness or poor water. See Real Care or a real aquatic vet. Real Care · For Fish · The Fish Vet

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The patient has been the subject of at least three forms in one week
One of those forms was this one
The patient has done nothing to deserve this

Treatment

Rest, and absolutely no letters, firm or otherwise. This is the only condition for which a firm letter is not recommended.

Prognosis

Excellent once the Registry leaves the patient alone, which it is trying to do.

Holiday Feeder-Block Abandonment Concern (HFAC)

Notification: Form M-26 · Status: notifiable, mostly to the fish

Symptoms

Staring at the feeder block with suspicion
Swimming to the front of the bowl whenever a door opens
Being entirely fine on the human's return and pretending nothing happened

Official diagnostic criteria

All of the following must be observed by a person standing at the front of the bowl (round bowls excepted):

The human has been away for more than two days
A feeder block was left as a substitute
The block did not say hello

Treatment

Rest, a firm letter, and an acknowledgement on Form P-07 that a block is not the same as being there.

Prognosis

Excellent. All is forgiven at the first pellet.

Owners are advised to consult Appendix C (Fighter Mite Safety Data) and Appendix D (Mental Health Care Guidelines).

Last updated: 19 October 2026. This page has been reviewed by the Committee for Reviewing Pages, which determined that it is a page.